life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i think i just lost a toe
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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