i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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