Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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