If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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