how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
