last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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