why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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