he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
