Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
