do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
