just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
