Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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