i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
