so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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