I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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