the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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