im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
