You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
