Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
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It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
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well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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