just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
