Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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