somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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