Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
