Ambien. No doubt about it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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