there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
