The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
