I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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