I heard we made out
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
