I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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