I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
