i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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