Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
