btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
