If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
