The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
