Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
