Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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