my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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