I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
