i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
