u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so explain again why im purple
no
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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