Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
