So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
