That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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