I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
