you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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