Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
