I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
