My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
