is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.