So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?