Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
