Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
