brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
