I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
