but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
