My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
