when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
