I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
